Not so long ago, the average American man in his 20s had achieved most of the milestones of adulthood: a high-school diploma, financial independence, marriage and children. Today, most men in their 20s hang out in a novel sort of limbo, a hybrid state of semi-hormonal adolescence and responsible self-reliance. This "pre-adulthood" has much to recommend it, especially for the college-educated. But it's time to state what has become obvious to legions of frustrated young women: It doesn't bring out the best in men.
One of the women quoted said that today's "guys" (those males too old to be boys, but who haven't earned the title of "men" yet) "are more like the kids we babysat than the dads who drove us home." Here are a few of the seeming culprits behind the death of the "real" man:
College. College lasts forever, and student loan debt is crippling. There are a lot of people in their mid-20s that are holding off on marriage because they (a) are still in school, (b) can't afford to start a family with six-figure student loan debt, or both. So for the first time in American history, it's not unusual to find 28 year-olds who spent the last decade surrounded by excessive drinking, casual sex, four day weekends, and the like, without ever holding so much as a part-time job. And then we act shocked when these people turn out to be irresponsible and self-indulgent.
Globalization. It's a major asset these days to be able to travel halfway across the globe to close a deal. And that's a lot easier if you're single. Mobility is required in a way we haven't really seen before.
The results have been pronounced, if unsurprising. More women graduate from college than men (34% of women aged 25-34 have a bachelor's degree, compared with just 27% of men), and Hymowitz notes in the WSJ article notes that "in a number of cities" young women are earning more than their male counterparts. Hymowitz concludes: "Why should they [men] grow up? No one needs them anyway. There's nothing they have to do.They might as well just have another beer." There seems to be something to that. What's more, this push for women to succeed (and for men to just stay out of the way) has come in the midst of something broader:
What explains this puerile shallowness? I see it as an expression of our cultural uncertainty about the social role of men. It's been an almost universal rule of civilization that girls became women simply by reaching physical maturity, but boys had to pass a test. They needed to demonstrate courage, physical prowess or mastery of the necessary skills. The goal was to prove their competence as protectors and providers. Today, however, with women moving ahead in our advanced economy, husbands and fathers are now optional, and the qualities of character men once needed to play their roles—fortitude, stoicism, courage, fidelity—are obsolete, even a little embarrassing.
Today's pre-adult male is like an actor in a drama in which he only knows what he shouldn't say. He has to compete in a fierce job market, but he can't act too bossy or self-confident. He should be sensitive but not paternalistic, smart but not cocky. To deepen his predicament, because he is single, his advisers and confidants are generally undomesticated guys just like him.
Marriage and Sexual Morality. Jen Fulwiler responded to the above essay by noting one thing that Hymowitz had missed:
I suspect that it was not the behavior of one gender that ignited this current animosity between the sexes; rather, I think it started when we, together as a society, started redefining marriage and sexual morality.
When sex meant marriage, people got married earlier. When sex and marriage meant children, young men worked harder at younger ages to prepare to provide for a family. If a young man wasted his early 20s on inane pursuits, there were real consequences: he’d be viewed as irresponsible and a bad provider, and thus his opportunities for marriage (and therefore intimacy with a woman) would be drastically limited. Young women held men to higher standards. For them, a boyfriend wasn’t just someone to “hook up” with (to use Klausner’s parlance), but the potential future father of their children — and they expected him to act accordingly. And young women were motivated to shape up their behavior as well: a woman who didn’t show any interest in the self-sacrifice and maturity required for marriage would have a hard time getting dates.
This dovetails nicely with the point preceding it. Young men no longer know what it means to be "men," and it seems no matter how they act, somebody's offended. Is it really a surprise that so many young men just give up?
Consumerism. As a culture, we're more self-obsessed than ever. Goods are cheaper than ever before: Americans spend less today on apparel than at any point in US history. And we spend less on food than any culture in history, ever. It's not that we're consuming less: the opposite is true. Instead, it's that even in these rough economic times, we live in a Wal-Mart culture able to produce food and clothing at prices so low they'd be scoffed at a generation ago. You would think, given all of this, that we'd be more open to spending disposable income on things like starting a family. But instead, we've just become acclimated to always having whatever we want, whenever we want it. And the Internet is capable of providing instant gratification in a way that even Wal-Mart can only dream of. The type of man that this culture produces is irresponsible and self-indulgent, and women rightly find it repulsive.
Loss of Religion. The type of slothful and idle young man we're talking about isn't possible in a culture that takes its Christianity seriously. Just read Luke 12:13-21, the parable of the rich fool. Long story short: a man finds himself wealthy enough that he can afford to "eat, drink, and be merry," without having to work. God takes his life, since the man's completely forgotten about Him. And that's more or less what's happened here. We've stopped having to worry about whether we'll starve, and stopped having to trust in God. Eventually, we stopped thinking much about God at all. As a result, religion, and particularly Christianity, is on the decline in America. This has had a lot of unforeseen consequences. One of them is simple: Christian men know what manhood is from the Son of Man. The type of man that Hymowitz, et al, are tired of is a man that the Bible warns us not to be. We're called to be courageous, strong, faithful and loving men (1 Corinthians 16:13-14), and all Christians are called to "compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience" (Colossians 3:12). In particular, St. Paul instructs, "Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them," (Col. 3:19) and more radically, "love your wives, just as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself up for Her" (Ephesians 5:25). In other words, the Bible paints a clear picture of what the ideal man should be like, and calls all Christian men (especially the married) to this ideal. Without the Bible, and without traditional gender roles, men don't just naturally achieve these ideals.
So if you want "good men," or want to be "good men," turn back towards God and His Holy word.